Thursday, May 31, 2007

Get On the Same Page!

When you are preparing to get married, you have a lot of details to take care of. You want to find the perfect dress. You want to find the perfect flowers. You think you've already found the perfect spouse. But if you want to have the perfect marriage, rather than the perfect recipe for divorce, make sure you find something most couples neglect: the perfect marriage counselor.

Studies have shown that couples who invest in quality pre-marriage counseling are more likely to avoid divorce. By quality, I don't mean a one-time visit with your priest or family friend. I mean you sit down and unpack issues that I promise will arise later in your marriage.

The top four causes for divorce are money, in-laws, religion, and children. When you sit down with your counselor, you need to unpack these issues. You need to decide how you will approach each of these subjects. If you (foolishly) decide to only address one, make it money. Money is the biggest cause of marriage fights and divorces in America. Couples fight about money at all stages. When you make sure that the two of you are on the same page, you can avoid most of those fights, thus ensuring a quality marriage.

What type of things do you and your spouse need to discuss? Some issues might include:


  • How do we feel about debt?

  • How much debt are we comfortable with?

  • What are our financial goals?

  • What is our starting-out budget?

  • What will we do about retirement savings?

  • What will we do about kids' college funding (assuming we have kids)?

  • Will we have kids?

  • How many kids do we want?

  • Is mom wanting or planning to stay at home or work?

  • If she's staying home, what can we do early in our marriage to make that work financially?

  • What will we do about discipling children?

  • If either spouse is bringing children from a previous marriage in, how will we handle them? (and how will we handle ex-spouses?)

  • What are our feelings on religion?

  • Do we want to go to church together?

  • How big a part of our life is our religion?

  • How will we celebrate religious occasions?

  • Do we want to pray or read scriptures together?

  • How close do we want to live to our in-laws? (this answer may change after a year of marriage)

  • How do we want to handle holidays with extended families?

  • Do we want to start our own traditions or go back to our parents? Which set of parents?

These are not the least of the questions that you will need to address in your marriage, but they will give you a good start. These issues are far more important – and cause far more tension – than toothpaste squeezing or toilet paper rolls. Address them before you say your vows, and you will have a much easier first year of marriage.

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